Notes on... La Tumba

We had previously noted the man in our room and secretly nicknamed him La Tumba, as he bore a some what striking resemblence to the man originally accused of murdering Meredith Kurcher, as we had seen in an very thrilling documentary some nights before. La Tumba seemed to always be asleep during the day and we had speculated wildly that he may work nights.

One particular night La Tumba was home and enjoying listening to music on his laptop, singing particularly loudly for mine and Js personal amusement. La Tumba receives a phone call. He then goes on to tell the person on the other end of the line that he can do a very mysterious and secret thing called hypnosis, claiming that he could get someone to tell him all their secrets and most importantly whether they were on drugs. They wouldn't even know they had told him their secrets. This alerted our attention to La Tumba more so, almost imagining that he was the real La Tumba, and possibley capable of murder.

La Tumba decides to pop out and we continue our exciting evening of playing cards. La Tumba returns around twenty minutes later, joined by two bottles of red wine. Around an hour later as we are going to bed we note that La Tumba has nearly finished the second bottle. La Tumba out of no where suddenly passes out on his bed, snoring so loudly the room almost shakes.

La Tumba starts coughing.
La Tumba starts being sick all over himself.
La Tumba starts to die.

K is very alaramed.
K: J, I am worried about La Tumba
J: He is fine.
K: J, he is going to die.
J: He is fine.
K runs over to La Tumba
K: Are you okay? I think you need to go to the toilet!
LT: I'm fine
K: No La Tumba, you arent fine you are being sick all over yourself and all over someone elses bed.
LT looks at his cream smock now covering in red sick.
LT stands and goes out of the room.

K and J hear La Tumba being sick in the toilet next door.

La Tumba returns to the room.
LT: Thank you, I am fine now.
K turns her back for approximately one second before the sound of wine being poured is heard.
K turns to see La Tumba pouring himself another glass of wine.
K is outraged
J is laughing
K: What are you doing? I think you might have just had enough to drink, dont you think?
LT is slurring his speeach protesting he is fine.
La Tumba then proceeds to drink the rest of the bottle in under one minute.

La Tumba then falls and passes out in his own sick and does not stir for the entire night

The next day as we are packing to leave, La Tumba is still comatose, prompting us to think that La Tumba is now dead.

Notes on... Strangers On Trains

The first train journey we had in Australia was 7 hours long and we boarded at Sydney at 7am. K and J sat down next to each other whilst N sat in the seat next to us, only to be joined by a gentleman of around 55 years a few moments later. The train pulls away and K puts her eye mask on to try and sleep. She is interrupted instantly by the man who makes a very loud phone call to his wife. It took N exactly two minutes to get in to a full blown conversation with him which was then to last five whole hours.

The man whos name was Peter was very unusual looking and almost looked as if his eyes were shut when they were in fact wide open. K and J were being hilarious and started calling him Peter No Eyes and doing silly drawings of PNE and impressions of him behind N's back. K and J were really laughing heartily but still N did not bat an eyelid or even turn around to see what was going on. J found the stickers that we got from the plane in his bag and secretly stuck the Do Not Disturb sticker in N's hair- N still oblivious, having the time of her life with her new boyfriend. K and J had a bet on how long it would take for PNE and N to exchange numbers, not really believing that this would occur as P was at least 35 years her senior. But alas, as PNE neared his stop he whipped out his business card and N saucily gave him her number AND email much to K and J's ultimate delight, and N's ultimate demise as she would now forever be taunted by the memory of PNE.


On another journey K and J arrived at the train station with roughly about 7.5 hours to kill. As we approached there was a man outside who asked us if we were waiting for the train too. The answer to that being an obvious yes, as we were indeed at the train station. We settled down in the customer lounge and J set off to the supermarket while K minded the bags. Five minutes later K sees a dark figure at the door of the customer lounge. A figure we now know as Ken. Ken came in and sat down, not at a table a few away from K, but the closest possible one he could find.

Ken: Where's your boyfriend gone?
K: To the supermarket.
Ken: For a long lunch hey.
K: Hm. (What it is 10pm?!)

A few moments past while Ken got up to get a bottle of coke from the machine.

Ken: I watched Graham Norton last night.
K: Oh really. Who was on it?
Ken: Well, there was a homosexual man..(splutters on coke)... er I cant remember his name..what's his GOD DAMN name!
K: (internally) Graham?
Ken: There was a big fat black man on it too, I don't know his name either, (wrinkles face desperately trying to remember)
K is silent.
Ken: Oh WHY cant I remember? WHY (Ken puts head on table) Stupid, old, man.
K is silent.

Later that night The Mummy Returns is on the TV.
Ken: Hulk Hogan!
(its actually The Rock.)

Later that night a Queensland Rail man came in to the lounge to tell us that if we were not going to Brisbane then DONT get on the next train. This message was far too complicated for Ken because as the first train arrived Ken asked J if this was our train. J shook his head and said no, using all the methods of portraying a negative response that he knew of but this did not register with Ken who started to panic and picked up his bag and left. A booming announcement was then made over the tannoy for Kens benefit only to state that this was the train going toward Brisbane.

K and J do not see Ken again for the rest of the night which leads them to assume that Ken got on the wrong train.

Notes on... Fruit Picking

Working at an Orange factory was actually a very high stress situation. Oranges would blast through a conveyor belt at high speed whilst you had to pattern pack them very quickly indeed. If you were too slow, the oranges would roll past you on to the floor. Out of the corner of your eye you could see them edging nearer and nearer the edge and honestly, this was frightening. K made the mistake of thinking that no one really checked the boxes and kept just shoving them in any old way to avoid the disaster of them spilling on to the floor, which from previous experience was highly embarrassing and frowned upon. They do in fact check the boxes and K got in trouble. The boss also instantly took a dislike to K as she didn't know what a sunburnt orange looked like or the different types of citrus diseases, even though there was a poster of them in the staff room. What K didn't mention was that her breaks were spent basically trying to have a full shower in the sink due to profusely sweating herself into a panic for the entire day.

Day five of Oranges and K thought she had improved somewhat. There hadn't been a orange spill disaster for three hours and she was definitely on a roll. There was a local woman opposite K who had worked at the factory for (she assumed) maybe seventy years. She kept randomly screaming obscenities which K found a little strange but ignored. K had improved so much she had now been given TWO conveyor belts to manage. K was of course in a wild state of panic at this and oblivious to surroundings, when she was knocked to the floor. Startled, K looked up to see the old woman barging past her. K tried to brush it off, thinking she hadn't meant to knock in to her and also secretly wondering how an elderly person could have so much strength. Anyway K resumed the work, although shaken. When it happened again around seven minutes later, K stood her ground, she wasn't going to get bullied by a ninety year old. K knocked this woman back. Was K really going to get into a fight with a pensioner? Well no was the answer because K of course got fired the next day.

So here K was again, this time on a zucchini farm and guess who else worked there... N. K had picked zucc's before so she already felt like a pro when she entered the field. The supervisor was a very small man called Wayne. He had a rattish look about him and K and N suspected definite Small Mans Syndrome. He asked whether K had picked before and she said yes. So the day started and K was concerned that her knife was so blunt. K looked at N and the other workers already steaming ahead and decided it would be okay to just pull the fruit off instead of cutting it off. K proceeded to do this until Wayne came over to check her bucket.
W (looks in bucket) This is all shit...shit, shit, shit, shit. (tips bucket out on to floor) I thought you said you have picked before?
K: I have
W: Have you been twisting the fruit off?
K: No
W: I have been doing this for twenty years, I can tell that that is exactly what you have been doing
K: No
W: Have you really picked before
K Yes
W: Well all they taught you is how to twist. If you don't stop this right now, you will be out of here on the bus in five minutes and never coming back
K (fighting tears) Ok

K then cried for a little bit inside and got on with the task. On the break K confided in N what had happened and N was confused as to how the knife could be blunt. Three hours later when K accidentally used the other side of the knife, she realised that perhaps her brain had indeed turned to mush as she had been using the wrong side for six hours and the knife in fact cut like a dream. When the actual farmer pulled up in his tractor and proceeded to follow K down the row, supervising her closely, it dawned on K that she may well be fired for the second time in two weeks. K left the next day to avoid this terrible fate which would mean that K had then been fired from 4 jobs in her life, much to J and N's personal amusement.

Notes on...The Bus

Ever since getting the bus has been blitzed back in to my life, everyday I am in very close contact with the psychos of Prestwich. Mornings on the bus are a bit of a blur but the fun really starts with the journey home.

There was a particular incident when I sat next to a woman on the bus. She was on her mobile and I was just, there. She appeared to be speaking to her boyfriend and they were having a nice little chat until suddenly there seemed to be trouble in paradise. Her tone started getting very angry and then I noticed she had hung up the phone. Her phone started to ring again and she answered very angryly and proceeded to start having a loud arguement. I started to feel slightly awkward but decided to battle through and remain in my seat, invading her privacy. The woman then started crying and asked "Why do you never say anything nice to me?? Please just say something nice." Which was then shortly followed by (screaming) "YOU WISH I'D GET KNOCKED DOWN BY A BUS?!....Well,(pause) I do too." She suddenly jumped up out her seat and got off and bus and I was slightly concerned that any second now I would have a death on my hands but fortunately for me (and her)I saw the bus ride on as she sat at the bus stop and looked very cross.

Another day I got on the bus and there was only one seat available so I sat down and instantly realised my mistake. In the seat next to me was a obese man and he also took up half of my seat. Not wanting to be rude I stayed sitting there even though I was in extreme discomfort as I was basically sitting on the smallest seat in the world. Anyway the bus is tooting along and then a person who I can only assume to be his wife, is asking him if he wants a cup of tea. I am thinking this must just be lively banter between the pair, that obviously there is no way for him to have a cup of tea on the bus, but hold the phone because suddenly Wife is whipping out a flask from her bag. I watch her pour out tea in to a plastic cup. I am quite unsettled as the bus is a very jolty place and I suspected her hands were already shaking. The next thing she is passing the cup of scolding hot liquid past me and it is hovering over my knees and Husband struggles to reach for it. I cant quite believe what is going on and start to feel very scared that in a matter of seconds I may be burnt for life. Luckily Husband manages to get his hands round the cup and the bus journey continues but I am left very angry by the whole situation.

On a positive note there is a small child called Theo who gets on the bus and sings The Bus On The Bus Go Round And Round at the top of his voice for the whole trip.