Notes on... Cruisin' (Part 1)

As K and N embarked on their first holiday alone for seven years, the expectation was that it was going to get messy. They were extremely tired at having to get up at 3am and N appeared to be going delirious as she speculated that they might get mistaken for celebrity athletes at the airport as she was essentially wearing her gym kit. This dream was quickly shattered as N dropped her sunglasses on the floor then fell off the walking escalators.


K and N were asleep as soon as they got on the plane and woke an hour later to find the plane was still on the ground. N could not keep her eyes open to investigate why, so K was looking around angrily to see what the delay was. It became apparent there was a medical emergency on board and an extremely elderly man appeared to have passed out in his seat. K tried to wake N up excitedly to tell her of the situation but N refused to open her eyes therefore K gave her whispered updates in her ear as she spied over the seat. When the pilot announced paramedics were coming on board N shot up and was announcing very loudly that she felt very disgusted with everyone turning around to look at the man but K could not hear her as she was concentrating too hard on looking through her binoculars at the unfolding situation. Eventually the plane took off and N became excited at the prospect of a free drink, which was to become a theme running throughout the trip.


K and N eventually arrived on the ship and were extremely thrilled at what they found. K was in love with the daily newspaper on board "The Cruise News" which you could put announcements in. K and N toyed with the idea of putting a celebratory message in to themselves about their triathlon although this never materialised. K and N were on deck one, which was referred to as the Leonardo DiCaprio deck as it didn't even have a window (quote overheard from a stranger - "Is there a deck one? Our lift doesn't even go down to deck one.") This proved to be an issue for K and N throughout the holiday as no natural light meant that whatever time they set their alarm for it still felt like the middle of the night and they only made the breakfast buffet once.

N was extremely excited for the formal gala night and had decided she would try and seduce the Captain after being enchanted by his voice over the tannoy. The night came, and after taking a narcissist amount of pictures of themselves K and N were in the queue to get a picture with the Captain himself. N suspected he would look "really happy" on the picture with us and she might buy a copy. (NB- He didn't.) K and N decided to be sociable for once and sit with others at the evening dinner. They were sat with a Scottish couple, Lee and Lynds, who went on to be the most entertaining people K and N had ever met. As N was ploughing through the wine, she became more and more absurd in her speech. It turned out that Lee and Lynds had met at the wake of Lynds' late wife (N- "Well, every cloud...") Lee had recently had quit smoking after smoking 60 a day as she was recovering from an accident (N- "Well, I think I would be eating 60 chocolate bars a day if I was in your position") Lee and Lynds had both been married 4 times previously (7pm N- "I never want to get married" 10pm N- "I want to get married four times...I better hurry up and find a husband.") Later that night K and N went to the club which surprisingly did have people in despite the average age of passengers on board being 60+. K and N immediately took to the dance floor and made friends with a few people including Paddy who was "just 18". K watched in alarm as N took steps towards making Paddy husband number one as we all know she likes a younger man (#callumlittler)..


On display throughout the ship were photo shoots that had taken place on board. Every day K and N laughed at them and tried to recreate them in their cabin. The photographer was seemingly always lurking around and giving K and N the eye. He told them they were the 'shiniest people on the ship' and he would love to do a shoot with them. He said he had a vision of them in the sunset. K could see N's eye lighting up with the prospect of this so she hurried N away. Around ten minutes later when K and N were enjoying the evening buffet the photographer is on the prowl again. He spots K and N and rushes over. He starts describing how incredible the shoot would be and before K knows it, N has agreed and set a date for tomorrow. The photographer can hardly contain his excitement as he skips away making notes on potential colours and outfits K and N should wear. As K and N can communicate with 'just one look' (#bridemaids) K looked at N angrily but she just did her billo smile as K plotted how to get out of the shoot...

Notes on... Boyd (Part 2)

Boyd's behaviour is becoming increasingly frustrating. K is on a walk with Boyd in the Clough and before she can let him off the lead he sees a squirrel and runs with full pace and strength over the embankment in his attempt to catch it. K is suddenly whisked off her feet and finds herself in an terrible situation where she is now slipping at full speed down the muddy and extremely steep embankment, not thinking to let go of Boyd's lead in her terror. Realisation hits and K lets Boyd run free as she now lies face down in a muddy ditch at the bottom. K lies here for several seconds before she lifts her head up to see Boyd happily playing with a stick, oblivious to K's rage. K now finds herself unable to climb back up without slipping back down into the mud. This remains the situation for the next 15 minutes in which K becomes increasingly distressed and angry at Boyd. K has a moment of hope when out of no where, she sees a man look over the side. He looks in alarm at K, who is head to toe covered in mud, and then disappears. K's cries. Boyd howls. It is only when she manages to get into the mindset of Bear Grylls that the escape happens. Boyd runs off with glee into the Clough and K wants to run home and abandon him there.

It is becoming apparent that Boyd is obsessed with my mums glasses. The first instance was one day when J came home from work and could not find Boyd. He looks all over the house and no Boyd. J assumes someone has come to take Boyd for a walk. J settles down to have his breakfast until he hears a small barking from the other room. J goes in to find Boyd sat in the dark with my mums glasses on. He takes them off him and thinks nothing else of it. There is another incident where Boyd knocked out K's mum. He ran at her with such force that he took her legs out and she fell to the ground. She then demanded that Boyd returned to dog training. So K and J find a new training class and Boyd is extremely excited to be going. They arrive and everyone has to introduce their dog. Unfortunately the trainer misheard Boyd's name and continued to call him Floyd for the rest of the session. K and J tried numerous times to shout BOYD very loudly but this was in vain. It seemed that Boyd in fact preferred Floyd, as his alter ego emerged and he was the star of the show revelling in his new role as 'Good Boy Floydie'. So K, J and Floyd set off for home and went to tell K's mum what a good boy he had been. Floyd trots in and within a split second the real Boyd was back, with K's mums glasses swiftly in his mouth, hiding under the table refusing to emerge. There was nothing anyone could do but listen to him crunching them up.

Notes on... Boyd

So after much debate K and J decided they would get a dog. After the endless discussions about the responsibilities having a puppy, never in our wildest dreams (nightmares) did we consider that we could get the devil dog himself, aka Boyd.

Initially Boyd's naughtiness was put down to him being a baby and "all puppies are like this!" until it became blindingly clear that he was not a baby any more and that excuse just wouldn't wash. He was just an incredibly naughty hound. The day he was purchased, K and J were debating between Boyd and Boyd's brother and decided upon Boyd due to fact his brother had scary eyes.It could be said now that perhaps he was trying to warn us.

It became apparent that Boyd was particularly mischievous when he attended dog training. K and J were at the class surrounded by other incredibly well behaved dogs. Boyd insisted on trying to entice the other dogs in to games, barking matches and trying to form a breakaway group of naughty dogs of which he was, of course, the ringleader. The teacher became increasingly exasperated with Boyd, saying "Oh try this one again with Boyd" "Oh Boyd doesn't seem to be responding to this" "Oh maybe sit this one out with Boyd" leaving K and J confused as to what actually they were paying for, apart from the free drink at the end, as they watched Boyd get exiled from the group. It was only when the class had finished that did the teacher see Boyd in all his glory, caked in mud running at full speed towards a dad and son football game in which Boyd proceeded to jump up at them dirtying their clothes and nearly nearly knocking the child to the ground, then for a finishing touch he popped their football for good measure. As he came galloping back with his inane grin the teacher looks mortified and we knew Boyd was a lost cause...

Other Boyd anecdotes include the day K returned home from work to find Boyd the most full he had ever been as he had jumped up on to the kitchen side, got his box of treats (very full as never did anything good to deserve a reward), took the lid off and proceeded to eat them. When K arrived Boyd was lay flat out on the floor looking very bloated with the treat box, empty, next to him and a few crumbs round his mouth. Needless to say he wasn't very well that night.

Another incident which is still extremely vivid in the brain is the day when Boyd ate pro-plus. K was observing Boyd out of the corner of her eye whilst being busy doing something else. Boyd was suddenly very suspiciously quiet. K looked over at Boyd to see him with his head in her bag, munching on something which appeared to be very tasty. K thought perhaps she had left a banana in her bag, or maybe a sandwich. K suddenly became alarmed when Boyd's head appeared alongside a packet of now empty pro-plus. K screamed as in fact her worst nightmare was being a reality, as an already hyper dog took it up ten notches to become fully wild. Boyd surpassed all expectations and despite threats to take him back to the Home, he ran riot, chewed through the lamp and gave himself an electric shock.

Despite his naughtiness, and no matter how many times he hides snails in his mouth, or brings rotting apples in to the house and hides them under the couch, K and J do like Boyd. Even though they still long for the day he will behave (never).

Boyd's song (sung to tune of Wizadora) By J. "Little Boydie, you annoying, you're the one that will ruin every day, doing things in your very special way..."

Notes on... The Lives of Others

There had been an interesting looking letter in the post box for days. Neither J or K had decided to pick it up. One day K comes home from work and finds the letter opened on the side. It appeared that J had mistaken it for his own interesting looking letter. It immediately looks like the most interesting letter you could possibly ever want to read. It was typed in a handwriting type of script as if to fool the reader the sender had in fact written it. The letter actually was for R.P(not J) who K and J knew was the previous tennant. K ran to the sofa with joy to read the letter but J was very upset in the corner of the room, as if he was almost traumatised by what he had read.

The letter is from R.P's aunt, Shirley. The letter begins with general formalities and asking R.P if she still lived at the property as she had some things for her which had been left in a relative's will.
J encourages K to stop reading the letter but as K has developed an alter ego similar to Sherlock she continues regardless.

The letter takes a sudden turn for the worst. "L has been critically ill." ... "The consultant told me to prepare for the worst and to pray" ... "We are extremeley lucky she has survived."

K suddenly feels very guilty reading about the content of the letter but has to carry on anyway. Just when K thought the letter could not get any more interesting, Aunty Shirley takes the intensity up a notch, "Your Dad told me before the funeral that he and your mum wanted to draw a line and have no further contact with me and that's the way it has to be."... "I wasn't able to keep on seeing you"...I would welcome you back with open arms. I do, however, understand that its difficult."

Aunty Shirley asks R.P to get in touch and leaves her email address. K re reads the letter many times and tries to draw J in to speculation about what could have possibly have gone so wrong for Aunty Shirley. J refused to be drawn in to speculation so K tried to seek out other sources of speculation much to her avail. K told J she wanted to get in touch with Aunty Sheila but J feared Aunty Shirley would contact the police about J opening her letter by accident. After googling the penalty for opening someone else's mail K decided she would contact Aunty Shirley. I think K was secretly hoping to become a form of confidant for Aunty Shirley but unfortunately this was not to be.

K emailed Aunty Shirley to tell her R.P no longer at this address and that the letter had been opened accidentally but judging from the content of the letter K felt Aunty Shirley would want to know. K began to get very anxious when she received no reply. Some time later, Aunty Shirley's name appeared in K's inbox and K opened the message with much anticipation. Aunty Shirley thanked K for taking the time to let her know. This was the only text in the email.

K's interest in R.P was now very high. K decided to look through the mail which had been collecting for R.P since they had moved in. Suddenly K and J found themselves accidentally opening more mail. Other items of interest found include an angry letter from the landlords about the state R.P and partner left the flat in and that they had not received their deposit back. J found a letter for another person P.F which contained their membership card for a biking instructor's club. To make this even more interesting, instead of where P.F's photograph should have been was just the outline of a person. K decided she would take it upon herself to start wearing P.F's ID and live vacariously as a biking instructor. J also found an uncollected parcel notice for P.F which just needed some ID to collect it. J was temporarily foiled as he did not have any ID for P.F, until he was reminded that infact he did and K was wearing it round her neck.
K had to restrain J from running out the door to the Post Office as suddenly everything was going a bit too far. K and J tidied away the mail and put it back under the sofa in its hiding place.

K wore the ID badge for the next ten days before J threw it in the bin whilst she was at work.

Notes on... New Neighbours

K and J first met Geoff as they were moving their things in to their new flat.

Battling up the stairs with their boxes Geoff stood on the stairs in their way, eager to greet them. He introuduces himself to K saying he lives upstairs and stretches his hand out for a formal greeting, K not wanting to be rude tries to balance an extremely heavy box in one hand whilst returning the gesture, Geoff keeps hold of Ks hand whilst he explains sometimes he works out on a mini trampoline and if K and J ever find the noise disturbing then please let him know. At this point Ks arm can take no more and she has to shake Geoff off to save dignity and the books from falling and ending Geoffs trampoling career by smashing his feet. K goes in to the flat and can hear Geoff having the exact same conversation with J who is now in the hall. J seems very enthusiastic about Geoffs trampoling and later in the day when they look over he balcony and see a huge trampoline, they are alarmed at what kind of trampoline culture they have entered in to.


A few weeks in to the big move K and J had forgotten about Geoff and his antics on the stairs. One night they hear a big bang and J suggested that perhaps Geoff was on his trampoline. There was a moment of silence before K and J began to worry that perhaps Geoff had fallen from his trampoline and was in fact now dead. J speculated that he may tire easily and he only wanted one little bounce. We finally decided that he must of had a mini bounce on his mini trampoline, bounced off the balcony and down on to the big trampoline outside for his proper work out.

It was around now where K and J began to become suspcious of Geoff. J had reported that when he had been leaving for work at 1am Geoff had been lurking around the hall and quickly retreating back in to his flat when he realised J was there. J also had had an awkward conversation with him on the stairs.

G: How you settling in?
J: Yes, good thank you
G: The trampoline not bothering you?
J: No no
G: Its very nice here isn't it
J: Yes its nice and clean
G: (long pause) Yes, it is very green.
J is silent.

One day J comes in to K to ask if she had spilt a drink. K says no. They think nothing of it. The next day they get up to see a big problem in the kitchen. The ceiling is leaking quite severely and there is lots of water on the floor. They are very worried when they realise that the leak is coming from Geoff's flat. They speculate wildly that he may of drowned in the bath or perhaps had another related problem. J is too scared to go upstairs and confront Geoff so K has to go alone. K knocks. K waits. There is no answer.
K decides to leave a note for Geoff in red marker reading 'GEOFF, THERE IS A LEAK IN OUR KITCHEN AND IT IS COMING FROM YOUR FLAT.'

Later that day after K and J return from an outing they find a note from Geoff. The note was alarming as it seemed as though Geoff had either written it in an extreme rush or had developed severe Parkinson's overnight. The note told us that the leak was from his washing machine and he had now mended it. He also felt the need to say that his intercom was broken. K and J were unsure why this was information they required but appreciated it all the same. Later that night there was a knock at the door. K hid in her bed and J ignored it until Geoff repeatedly rang the buzzer forcing J to eventually answer, only to greeted by Geoff who was very distressed and very apologetic about the leak. J insisted that it was fine but Geoff was verging on tears and also wanted to know if the noise from the trampoling was bothering him. J told him no as in fact K and J have never heard Geoff working out on the mini trampoline and suspect this is actually a fantasy in Geoff's head.

The most recent event involving Geoff occurred today. J was sitting on the balcony, K suspects he was staring longingly at the big trampoline, when he heard a sudden bang and something big fell down from Geoff's balcony above. J instantly thought Geoff had decided to end it once and for all, but when he looked over the balcony it was just Geoff's umbrella which had blown off in the wind.

Notes on... La Tumba

We had previously noted the man in our room and secretly nicknamed him La Tumba, as he bore a some what striking resemblence to the man originally accused of murdering Meredith Kurcher, as we had seen in an very thrilling documentary some nights before. La Tumba seemed to always be asleep during the day and we had speculated wildly that he may work nights.

One particular night La Tumba was home and enjoying listening to music on his laptop, singing particularly loudly for mine and Js personal amusement. La Tumba receives a phone call. He then goes on to tell the person on the other end of the line that he can do a very mysterious and secret thing called hypnosis, claiming that he could get someone to tell him all their secrets and most importantly whether they were on drugs. They wouldn't even know they had told him their secrets. This alerted our attention to La Tumba more so, almost imagining that he was the real La Tumba, and possibley capable of murder.

La Tumba decides to pop out and we continue our exciting evening of playing cards. La Tumba returns around twenty minutes later, joined by two bottles of red wine. Around an hour later as we are going to bed we note that La Tumba has nearly finished the second bottle. La Tumba out of no where suddenly passes out on his bed, snoring so loudly the room almost shakes.

La Tumba starts coughing.
La Tumba starts being sick all over himself.
La Tumba starts to die.

K is very alaramed.
K: J, I am worried about La Tumba
J: He is fine.
K: J, he is going to die.
J: He is fine.
K runs over to La Tumba
K: Are you okay? I think you need to go to the toilet!
LT: I'm fine
K: No La Tumba, you arent fine you are being sick all over yourself and all over someone elses bed.
LT looks at his cream smock now covering in red sick.
LT stands and goes out of the room.

K and J hear La Tumba being sick in the toilet next door.

La Tumba returns to the room.
LT: Thank you, I am fine now.
K turns her back for approximately one second before the sound of wine being poured is heard.
K turns to see La Tumba pouring himself another glass of wine.
K is outraged
J is laughing
K: What are you doing? I think you might have just had enough to drink, dont you think?
LT is slurring his speeach protesting he is fine.
La Tumba then proceeds to drink the rest of the bottle in under one minute.

La Tumba then falls and passes out in his own sick and does not stir for the entire night

The next day as we are packing to leave, La Tumba is still comatose, prompting us to think that La Tumba is now dead.

Notes on... Strangers On Trains

The first train journey we had in Australia was 7 hours long and we boarded at Sydney at 7am. K and J sat down next to each other whilst N sat in the seat next to us, only to be joined by a gentleman of around 55 years a few moments later. The train pulls away and K puts her eye mask on to try and sleep. She is interrupted instantly by the man who makes a very loud phone call to his wife. It took N exactly two minutes to get in to a full blown conversation with him which was then to last five whole hours.

The man whos name was Peter was very unusual looking and almost looked as if his eyes were shut when they were in fact wide open. K and J were being hilarious and started calling him Peter No Eyes and doing silly drawings of PNE and impressions of him behind N's back. K and J were really laughing heartily but still N did not bat an eyelid or even turn around to see what was going on. J found the stickers that we got from the plane in his bag and secretly stuck the Do Not Disturb sticker in N's hair- N still oblivious, having the time of her life with her new boyfriend. K and J had a bet on how long it would take for PNE and N to exchange numbers, not really believing that this would occur as P was at least 35 years her senior. But alas, as PNE neared his stop he whipped out his business card and N saucily gave him her number AND email much to K and J's ultimate delight, and N's ultimate demise as she would now forever be taunted by the memory of PNE.


On another journey K and J arrived at the train station with roughly about 7.5 hours to kill. As we approached there was a man outside who asked us if we were waiting for the train too. The answer to that being an obvious yes, as we were indeed at the train station. We settled down in the customer lounge and J set off to the supermarket while K minded the bags. Five minutes later K sees a dark figure at the door of the customer lounge. A figure we now know as Ken. Ken came in and sat down, not at a table a few away from K, but the closest possible one he could find.

Ken: Where's your boyfriend gone?
K: To the supermarket.
Ken: For a long lunch hey.
K: Hm. (What it is 10pm?!)

A few moments past while Ken got up to get a bottle of coke from the machine.

Ken: I watched Graham Norton last night.
K: Oh really. Who was on it?
Ken: Well, there was a homosexual man..(splutters on coke)... er I cant remember his name..what's his GOD DAMN name!
K: (internally) Graham?
Ken: There was a big fat black man on it too, I don't know his name either, (wrinkles face desperately trying to remember)
K is silent.
Ken: Oh WHY cant I remember? WHY (Ken puts head on table) Stupid, old, man.
K is silent.

Later that night The Mummy Returns is on the TV.
Ken: Hulk Hogan!
(its actually The Rock.)

Later that night a Queensland Rail man came in to the lounge to tell us that if we were not going to Brisbane then DONT get on the next train. This message was far too complicated for Ken because as the first train arrived Ken asked J if this was our train. J shook his head and said no, using all the methods of portraying a negative response that he knew of but this did not register with Ken who started to panic and picked up his bag and left. A booming announcement was then made over the tannoy for Kens benefit only to state that this was the train going toward Brisbane.

K and J do not see Ken again for the rest of the night which leads them to assume that Ken got on the wrong train.