Notes on... Wagging it.

2005.

It was a snowy day. We had arrived at school to find that hardly any of the school was actually there, and to be honest we felt outraged we had been stupid enough to go in. In registration, the form tutor specially told us that everyone HAD to remain in school, and anyone who went home would have to risk facing the consequences.

So, deciding to rebel, the bell went and K, Soph and Kath met in the corridor and snuck out the back door. In the comotion of the lesson change we decided the best bet would be to literally sprint out of the back of the school, hoping noone would notice three girls running for their lives through the crowd.

This is where the real problems began. We crossed the motorway bridge laughing and cheering as if we were heros, only to see a man filming the motorway traffic. We were then alarmed to see him start filming us, and decided the best idea would be to start to bantering with him. In our complete naivety we told him "Not to film us, because we were wagging it."(why?). We saw the bus in the distance and had to sprint for the second time in the day, unaware that once again we were being filmed. Once on the bus, K decided the back shelf would be the perfect place to store her beloved Harry Potter umbrella. Second mistake of the day.

We decided it would be amazing fun to go to the park and play in the snow, but this turned in to a disaster when it started hailing and suddenly became a risk to our lives to remain outside any longer. We decided to go home after all. We then spotted the bus going back up to school, the Harry umbrella still sitting there, forgotten, on the back shelf for everyone to see. That was the last time I saw the umbrella.

Later that night, I was causally watching the news. There was lots of news about how much drama the snow had caused and a montage of some nice snow related clips. Out of nowhere, I saw us on the television. There we were, running through the snow. I was basically gobsmacked that this was actually happening and then chaos erupted.

To cut a long story short, I initially lied to my dad saying it must have been filmed after school, but then when he found out it was also on the lunchtime news I got in quite a lot of trouble. Kaths mum however, waited until the ten o'clock news to record it so we had the memory forever. Going in to school the next day was interesting, some teachers thought it was quite funny whereas when we got called in to see the headteacher he told us "we were a disgrace and we had brought shame to the school" and also "we had made a mockery of ourselves".
The spiteful man who filmed it, I want to thank you as it was probably the highlight of my life.

Later in the year the same montage of snow clips was also used on TopGear which brought the whole incident up all over again. And it was just as funny second time round.

You would of thought we would have learnt our lesson. But alas, no. There came a day when we did not attend PE, instead we hid in the library. When our form tutor, who also happened to be the PE teacher, noticed we were not there, he came looking for us. Finding us in the library he basically screamed in our faces, asking us if we thought he was stupid, as if we wouldnt notice? The answer to the question is yes, we really did think he was that thick. Once again it was K and N who got in the most trouble and got our senior prefect badges removed and the line 'disgrace to the school' was thrown out there yet again.

Although it seems unbelievable to suggest that the only time we actually wagged school, it was on the news, this is the story of my life.

(the evidence)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qrz5ZFwuh28

1.10.

Notes on... Australia (Part One)

When we set off for Oz, K and N were young, fresh faced and innocent (lies?). We had initially booked the flight for the day of our English A Level (by mistake). This goes some way to highlight how unprepared we really were. So after some mass panic, a flight rearrangement,and a nice £100 fee for the pleasure, we set off on the train. Yes, that's right the train, in the confusion we had agreed to fly from London, just adding an extra 4 hours or so on to the journey of around 24 hours for an absolute laugh. K was initially alarmed at Ns lack of make up for the journey and was not yet aware of how many times N would wash her face during the flight, or in fact how many times she would take time out of the day to stop everything- and moisturise, claiming her skin "just needed it".

Before the trip we had made a pact not to drink as we felt it was 'dangerous'. It is interesting that we broke this almost immediately by cracking open a cider at the airport. Things took a turn for the worse (better) right here as we proceeded to drink on the plane. Flying with Japan Air Lines airlines was an additional highlight. From the off set we affectionately referred to it as JAL. We were repeatedly asked "You twin?" or "You sister?" when in fact ginger K and blonde N could not look more different.
We had a slight moment of concern when asking for vodka on the plane.
N "Can I have a vodka and coke please?"
Air Hostess "I sorry?"
N "Vodka and coke?"
AH "Er...I sorry"
N "Vodka. And. Coke."
AH "Er.."
N "Erm...(moment of genius) Wodka?"
AH "Ahh yes! Wodka!" (pours a triple vodka).
N is thrilled.
K is alarmed.

The rest of the flight consisted of N snoozing contently, only waking up for meals and a hot towel, and K being awake for the whole entire journey and having to watch every single film available, later resorting to watching a Japanese war film, without sub titles.

When arriving in Oz, K was experiencing a massive hearing loss and N was in a very bad mood. We had arrived about five hours too early for check in so we were chilling it out in the lounge area. N cheered up for about five minutes by taking the lenses out of her red love heart sunglasses and was pretending they were in fact her reading glasses, much to her own amusement. The mood quickly turned sour when N opened her case and realised the worst thing possible had happened. A shampoo explosion. N proceeded to cry and shout as she threw her clothes across the room. Ks lack of hearing meant she was basically witnessing this whole episode as if N was on mute. N was particularly distraught at her beloved maxi dress being very soapy, and N began speculating wildly that when it rained her trainers would produce soap suds and she would be a laughing stock. K remained quiet, largely because she could not hear N, and also because she knew they were already an item of comedy as they had matching back packs and a stranger had already pointed and laughed at them. K was secretly wondering when N would shut up until, like a miracle, N found her banana chips and silence resumed.

Notes on... The Aquatic Centre

To continue in the lifelong quest to be a mermaid, in 3rd year K decided to get a swim pass for the Aquatic. During 2nd year when KLN lived together, K and N used to walk the absolute mission to the pool, get there swim two lengths then go home. On the one occasion L graced us with his presence, K and L had a swim race (K won)then L decided the chlorine was giving him spots and announced he was never going swimming again.

Living somewhat closer in 3rd year it was only a little ten minute walk through the wonder of Hulme to the pool. K became almost obsessed with swimming for a while and was constantly attempting to be in the pool. It was a cruel winter and it became also impossible to go outside for a time as the outer world was basically an ice rink. In a mission impossible to the pool, K was within touching distance of the Aquatic when disaster struck. In a moment of horror, K slipped, then proceeded to skid along the ice, trying to grab on to absolutely anything to end the nightmare. In a sheer moment of desperation, (before the inevitable happened), K happened to grab on to a passer by. This unfortunately turned out to be an elderly woman who was absolutely startled by this act, and nearly plunged toward the ice herself. Meanwhile K was face down on the ice, completely stationary due to pain/ embarrassment (mainly embarrassment). K could already hear laughter and as she decided it was about time to get up, she noticed a small crowd of boys laughing, as well as the additional horror of the old lady attempting to help K up. From this moment on, K decided swimming was only an option if sunny.

K and N had some eventful times in the pool. K and N devised a system where they would "swim and chat" in which they discussed life issues/bantered back and forth on the various people in the pool, giving them hilarious nicknames etc. We were very aware that the majority of the staff there disliked us, as initially we annoyed them by persistently paying by card for the £1.90 swim fee, which basically caused the whole system to crash every time. The life guards I suspect thought we were pathetic as we often attempted to swim in the fast lane, then retreating moments later to the slow lane. The only life guard who liked us was the lesbian one. We had debated over whether it was a male or female initially, coming to the conclusion it was most likely female. So on the only occasion which K and N decided to use the jacuzzi, we got out of the pool in a somewhat Baywatch fashion only to be stared at by her/(him?). We were blitzing in the jacuzzi when K spotted a celebrity also present in there. K tried to secretly motion to N. N smiles and nods. The person in question was none other than Hayley from Coronation Street, an exciting spot I think you'll agree.
Later on in the changing rooms-
K- Can you believe we saw Hayley in the jacuzzi!
N- Who is Hayley?
K- From Coronation Street...she was in the jacuzzi? I tried to tell you with my eyes.
N- I thought you were just smiling at me.
K- Oh.

Notes on... The Met

The met can provide ups and downs. I often experience moments of mass panic on the met. When the inspectors get on, I always get slightly worried I may have misplaced my ticket. I have to try and get it as fast as possible because I hate when the inspectors wait and are secretly suspecting you have not got a ticket. However by far the worst feeling is when you have arrived on the platform and are leisurely in the process of getting a ticket and suddently you hear the met approaching...and then you begin to urgently press the fucking touch screen buttons and they click on the wrong destination and then its here! You are acutely aware of everyone on the met looking at you wondering if you'll make it. Then you still have to wait as the machine takes its sweet time printing the ticket and then the debate over whether to run to get the met...you go for it...it leaves. People laugh/pity you from the warmth and light of the met and you just know its going to be a dark, dark day.

K and N have also witnessed quite a horrific incident on the met. We were initially alarmed when we saw a man get trapped not once, but twice, in the met doors. We laughed, because I dont know how anyone wouldnt. He sat on the set of seats next to us, then out of nowhere, he started having a fit. Alarmed and scared, we did not come to his rescue. We sat there while the met was in silence, everyone looking at him. Finally after about three hours someone, a braver person than I,(who was probs medically trained) helped him. We wanted to stay on the met to see how the drama unfolded but unfortunately we had reached our destination. We got off and never found out what happened, although sometimes we affectionately refer to him as "fit man" although he was by no means an attractive person.

Other incidents on the met include observing three met inspectors who were stood by the door. One of them (the ring leader) had his collar up on his Metrolink high vis coat in an attempt to perhaps be a sort of Cantona type character. One of them was ginger and one was non discript. Erics phone started to ring and Same Jeans by The View was blitzing out. This alerted my attention because I knew any sane human would have been sick of this song and also because it was so loud. Ginger doing a mini dance to the tune in which, I suspect, was an attempt to try and impress me.
Ginger: Whats this song?
Eric: Same Jeans by The View
Ginger: (typing in phone)... Blue Jeans...okay
Eric: Errr yeah. Blue Jeans.

I liked Eric a whole lot more after this.

Notes on... St. Marys Park

98% of the time when I visit the park I look ridiculous. It is on my job list left by Mut that every day I have to walk the dog in the morning, but due to the absolute love for sleep I never get up and always have to dash to the park urgently with G. The majority of the time I slip on Dads fleece, or maybe just roll up my pyjama bottoms and put on some wellies, hoping that in the 3 minute walk to the park I will not see any one I know or recognise.

There is a boy I see in the park every day, possibley because he works there as some sort of Park Ranger. I have a small suspicion he went to my primary school too because he always goes out of his way to smile at me. I am always quite unnerved by this, speculating in the head he may be the next park killer but in reality it is possible he is just alarmed at how hell I really am or maybe just G being naughty.

G's behaviour makes it increasingly annoying to take him for a walk. He pretends he cant hear when you shout him name and embarasses you by ignoring you for such long periods of time you have to approach him to try and put his lead on but then runs off as soon as you get there. Sometimes he also joins other people and I can see him trotting off nearly out of the park as if he is part of their family.

There is also an old man who I see quite regularly in the park and for some reason I know his name is David. We have the exact same conversation every time I see him, and it really does amaze me he STILL does not realise. The conversation goes like this:

David: Ohh, your dog looks old. Is he getting old now?
Kate: Yes
David: Ohh yes. How old is he now?
Kate: About 14 I think.
David: Ohhh! Thats nothing. My Mary is 19 now.
Kate: Wow, really (looks at Mary, who is basically dead)
David: Yeah. They grow old because we treat them right, dont we?
Kate: Yes.

Notes on Prestwich and Leeds

K has been absent from the blog scene for a while. K and N have departed from Hulme and now live seperately much to everyone amazement.

Prestwich has become more ridiculous as of late. There was a murder in the park and there was a man who got hit over the head with a spade in the pub who died. Other news is that a Greggs has been put in to the village and K suspects this may be the new downfall as she wants Gregg to be her lover. Events in the house include Mut wanting to have the dog "destroyed" because he cant behave any more. The family was outraged at this request. E has gone to uni and K and C have become reunited in their quest for peace from Mut.

X factor is starting to take over once again and N told me she thinks C could be a member of One Direction. K is worried about N's love for C because he is only 16 and K knows Ns man eater sex vamp bitch's ways. N once pretended to speculate about who C would marry, suggesting "perhaps someone foreign.." thinking K would be fooled in to believing it was not Ns plan to marry C when the age difference would become acceptable.

K and N went on a trip to Leeds and in summary it has been established they are ridiculous people and N will persist in being PissFrau.

Day Three

Back at apartment after long day. Jace is a lost soul standing at the window. E and K now have to look after him. Nurse E and K. Jace is now in shower.
Good day. K was fuming in the AM because of noisey nights and K needs approx 13 hours of sleep to function. N had a breakdown and cried over a cocktail. Classic N. We then witnessed an angry man (Blue) trying to kick down the I Am Amsterdam sign, then he was throwing himself at the railings. Luckily for us he was on our tram and started up a conversation about football. We were startled when he got off at our stop and asked N for "an appointment". We ran away saying we had to meet someone.
Jace is in bed I think. Oh he just appeared in his boxers and K questioned whether he was naked. His hands were inside the boxers..

Anne Frank is now living through Ks hair. We went to the Red Light last night but Jace stayed in bed having a nap and snacks and kept lying saying he was feeling better but he wasnt.

Jasons whitey is still a point of complete hilarity. Jace nearly went schitz this morning when Kal said they needed a bong and a blitz.
Jace "Are the girls laughing again?"
Girls- "Yes"

We went to see a peep show but we felt it wasnt hardcore enough. Kal offered a prostitute three euros but she slammed the door in his face. We went to the sex museum, finally found it after N had asked around 7 people. It was quite explicit and we realised we were living a sheltered sex life but we were potentially glad of this..

Obviously KEN can never have a normal day and there is always a story to tell whenever we leave the apartment. Today we fear we might see Blue again and it will not be a coincidence but definately planned by Blue. E is checking to see if Blue is outside.

Day Two.

Quite an okay nights sleep. Emma wanted to set her alaram for 8 but K felt reluctant to arise before 9. Found out we had a free breakfast. Left luggage in hostel, not locked (a worry.) Set off to Anne (Frank) but there was confusion over the trams and ended up going to central with a nice man serving us for tickets. Its raining and Ks hair is ridic. In the queue for Anne and E is wishing she had a raincoat or Kag. Lucky this diary is not in fountain. N is being billo and snacking constantly.

N had a trauma in Anne because she is a billo. Her phone was potentially lost but oh dear silly N it was just in her make up bag (which she had previously checked).We walked to Muts which was nice and K was being map girl. E proved she was the true map expert when directing us to the hotel. I fear I am going to look ridic for the remainder of the holiday. Going to a peep show later, E cant wait. She is excited. E is watching the Disney Channel.

E and K have the best spot (in the room). Poor N. But N broke the bed with no duvet. K suspects N and Colborne will hook up. Also suspects K and E will set that up. We gave the hotel man a "heart attack" when we arrived, potentially cos look so bad.

Quote Nina
"Can I just ask a question...can you hear when you are in the toilet?"
K "Yes"
N hangs head in shame.

Ns gone to get some snacky treats and Kal, Jace and Colbourne are here now, and N instantly brought up her toilet fears. Suspect N has not yet been to the toilet.

N- "No Luck."
E and K "Really?!" (comedy gold at its best.)

After a successful trip to Oh, we headed home to eat. E was on last legs. Ristorante pizzas were def needed at this point. Get back to realise, no, we dont have an oven. K is devastated. K suspects E will become alarmed at the amount K and N eat. I just saw N about to put knickers on infront of everyone.

The Amsterdam Diary: Day One

We are lost and are in Maccys. Shit. You have to pay 30cents to use the toilet, ridic. We are waiting for Emma. Her plane landed at 7:20 but she has yet to make contact (7:29) so may be here for some time as Ns map is with Syl. Silly N. (Angry K).
The people on the plane were ridic. N just burped really loudly, she thinks we are in the flat. N is trying to ring the hostel now, its amusing she's talking really loudly. She just lied saying we were in a cafe, but really we are in Maccys. I think N is ashamed.

Emma arrived safely although she did get off the train too early and had to get back on via a different door so no one knew. We were just chilling out in the room and N has inhabited a strangers bed because it had a guide book on it, and N cannot live on holiday without a guide book. A man entered the room and N startled asked the man if it was his bed she was lying on, initially he answered yes but then spotted Emma across the rook and claimed that that was infact his bed she was on, we are unsure whether if this was actually true or perhaps he just found Emma more attractive.

He then attempted to start a few conversations with, i.e. "Shmoke...?" We just inncocently giggled and carried on our conversation about the Anne Frank museum. All that was left for him to do was roll a joint and make a sandwich with 6 slices of bread. We continued out conversation but E had to try and curb her laughter as the man was slowly and sensually licking each indiviudual finger at a slow pace.

We have bought snacky treats and Emma is picking her nose.


Quotes:
"By the way...would you like an apple?"
Man to Emma as she was going in to the toilet.

Smashed Eggs and The Post War

We have come to realise that there is one person in our flats who is very nasty. This person once left a note above the letter boxes requesting that people tidy up their post and to remind people "this is not a dumping ground". A reasonable request some might say, but as the same person had, on the same night, left another note complaining about Ns bike, we ripped down the post note in anger to make a stand.

Now for a while most people had been abiding by the rules and not leaving the junk mail on top of the letter box but yesterday there was a break through. We had seen that Flat 1 had left a big pile of post there in plain view of everyone. Risky. When we later returned to the flat we saw that someone has taken the whole pile of post and thrown it at their door in anger. I am suspecting a war to emerge.

Other things to note is that I suspect N is loosing her mind. K had given N the one job of watching the pasta while K was out of room for one second. When K re entered, N was paying no attention to the pasta and was in fact not even in sight of the pasta, and the pasta was overflowing on to the stove. Angry K.

Today we decided to have a chill out afternoon having a cider and watching Schlinders List. N had literally had one sip of cider and the next minute she is smashing eggs on the floor. And it wasn't even a normal egg, it was Ks special egg which she had drawn a face on to cheer K and N up whenever they were looking in the fridge in despair.

It seems that N is deteriorating before my eyes as she also has 5+ coldsores. K has one coldsore. This concerns me because it may confirm some neighbours suspicions that K and N are lovers. N added fuel to the fire by going in Sunnys and buying Nuts.

This is a message for Mrs. Trumpton

When the phone rang and I wasn't in, N felt compelled to answer it.

"Is this Mrs Trumpton?" the person on the other end of the line asked. N noted they were female and with an accent.

N "No."

Woman "Are you the owner of the number?"

N (lying) "No."

N hangs up.

So N tells me the story and I suspect that the prank this time may of been made by J. A typical J-like joke, however N was alarmed if it was because the voice was so high pitched. So anyway a few days later N and K were settled down with tea and their film for the night (The Reader) and the phone rings again.

N gets up to answer and I see a look of alarm pass across her face. I ask whats wrong and N is speechless. I begin to get scared. N passes me the phone and I hear "This is a message for Mrs Trumpton. I know you are there. I can see you. I can hear you. See you very soon. From Tony." Terrified by this attack on Mrs Trumpton, some tears were shed by K. N began to look out of the window wondering how they knew she was in here, thinking she was actually Mrs Trumpton herself.

K begins to suspect something is afoot and texts J to see if he knows anything about the mysterious text message to the phone. N checks the number of the text message and it was in fact Js number. We calmed down.

We have declared War on J.

Another mysterious encounter happened last night. We were in Ns room waiting for our pizza to arrive, most likely chatting about the Mrs Trumpton encounter again when we hear a loud banging on the door. We initially ingnore it because no one ever knocks on our door. The banging gets louder so we get up to investigate. N tries to look through the peep hole but can not see anything. We begin to get scared again thinking it was Tony (although a fictional character) and he had put his finger over the peep hole so we could not see. N rings L to see if it is him playing a trick. L says no. We mess about in the hall for a while deliberating over whether to answer it until I, being the braver of the two, open the door (with the chain on) but the door does not open far enough to confirm there was no one there.

We decide to leave it and around 5 minutes later and buzzer goes for the pizza. N is unavailable to go downstairs so I have to risk the dark stairs alone. And I was scared.

Pranks

We decided we should purchase a house phone as N was getting furious about the amount of time she spent on her mobile to Virgin. We chose a simple handset. It is white.

Now I am unsure whether this purchase was infact a good idea as it allows the people of Hulme another way in to our lives. The first day of the phone being bought, we had a prank.
We were initially excited for our first phone call but it turns out not to be as promising as we thought. I answered and was shocked to here a strange accent saying "Hey baby, are you up?". Now it was around 6pm so of course I was up (unless they know about my secret sleeping habits) but I was alarmed as to who has gotten this number so fast, with the phone being in the house a matter of hours. I hung up in fear.

A few days later we received another prank of a similar nature. Now I suspect that somehow the pranks are being made from the phone boxes near our flat. They are always full with suspicious characters and who else could they be calling?

The Olive Shop.

Across the road there is a shop. It has a flashing OPEN sign so we can check its open from the window. This is usually where we go for late night snacks because Sunnys closes at nine. It offers a range of products, from bongs to olives displayed in a bowl which you can help yourself to. Appealing, no?

So N and I have become ridiculous once most in our quest for food. Stumbling across to The Olive Shop (unsure of its real name) and there is usually some form of gang outside with bikes and dogs staring at us because a.) we are in pyjamas, b.) we are generally ridiculous c.) have stained make-up from crying or d.) all of the above.

There is an excess of workers in the shop, unsure why as we suspect we are the only customers. Although there is usually some other people in there, making random purchases, such as one man buying a singular CapriSun for 40p(bargin.)

There is meat counter and I do actually question who the hell has ever purchased meat from there. For one there is no labels of any kind and it is debatable which meat is what. Another concern of mine is that the meat is just raw in the counter with no clingfilm or anything. And there are definately some hygiene issues going on in the shop. There is the familar smell of Hulme (marijuana) which is ever present as well as general musk which is unnerving to say the least.

Unfortunately this shop is our only option for out of hours snacks. And you have to spend over EIGHT pounds to pay on your card. £8. Ridiculous. An obvious ploy to bump up peoples spending.But luckily for us we saw through this. And even though N wanted to spend over eight pounds I restrained her because I could see her looking at the chicken carcus on display.

We are now going to count the days the chicken carcus remains here. Even though this would mean going to the shop every night...but this is something we are prepared to do.

Break In.

New Update: Last night a flat in our block was broken in to between the hours of 00:00 - 07:00. A worry. Must try and ensure to lock doors at all times/ sleep with knife under pillow.

Hulme 2

Since no attempts whatsoever have been made to grit the roads/pavements in Hulme, walking around in the snow is quite a problem. I have already fallen down and an old woman attempted to help me up. New lows.

So was coming home from a trip to London late at night and giving my arms a total work out by dragging my heavy case(now two stone heavier with mountains of snow infront of it) back through Hulme ghetto. From a distance I could see there was some sort of commotion at the shops. I was already wary of these shops as on a previous encounter the shop keeper had told me under no circumstances was I to give change to the man outside(with a limp of course). Not like I was going to indulge in such behaviours but the seriousness in his voice alarmed me. So there was dragging the case through the depths of the snow, and I see two police vans parked outside. I didn't want to look like I was overly interested in what was so going on, but obviously I was. I heard the police radio saying that there was definitely someone in there as they had seen movement, then suddenly a policeman ran out from behind the shops with a crutch under his arm which I suspect he had taken off some sort of invalid.

By this time I was nearly past the shops but trying to walk slowly so I could catch the action..unfortunately this was to no avail.

From now on, I am going to avoid the shops, although I did quite like the man in there because once he cleverly guessed I was going to make a sandwich with the products I was buying.