Notes on... Cruisin' (Part 1)

As K and N embarked on their first holiday alone for seven years, the expectation was that it was going to get messy. They were extremely tired at having to get up at 3am and N appeared to be going delirious as she speculated that they might get mistaken for celebrity athletes at the airport as she was essentially wearing her gym kit. This dream was quickly shattered as N dropped her sunglasses on the floor then fell off the walking escalators.


K and N were asleep as soon as they got on the plane and woke an hour later to find the plane was still on the ground. N could not keep her eyes open to investigate why, so K was looking around angrily to see what the delay was. It became apparent there was a medical emergency on board and an extremely elderly man appeared to have passed out in his seat. K tried to wake N up excitedly to tell her of the situation but N refused to open her eyes therefore K gave her whispered updates in her ear as she spied over the seat. When the pilot announced paramedics were coming on board N shot up and was announcing very loudly that she felt very disgusted with everyone turning around to look at the man but K could not hear her as she was concentrating too hard on looking through her binoculars at the unfolding situation. Eventually the plane took off and N became excited at the prospect of a free drink, which was to become a theme running throughout the trip.


K and N eventually arrived on the ship and were extremely thrilled at what they found. K was in love with the daily newspaper on board "The Cruise News" which you could put announcements in. K and N toyed with the idea of putting a celebratory message in to themselves about their triathlon although this never materialised. K and N were on deck one, which was referred to as the Leonardo DiCaprio deck as it didn't even have a window (quote overheard from a stranger - "Is there a deck one? Our lift doesn't even go down to deck one.") This proved to be an issue for K and N throughout the holiday as no natural light meant that whatever time they set their alarm for it still felt like the middle of the night and they only made the breakfast buffet once.

N was extremely excited for the formal gala night and had decided she would try and seduce the Captain after being enchanted by his voice over the tannoy. The night came, and after taking a narcissist amount of pictures of themselves K and N were in the queue to get a picture with the Captain himself. N suspected he would look "really happy" on the picture with us and she might buy a copy. (NB- He didn't.) K and N decided to be sociable for once and sit with others at the evening dinner. They were sat with a Scottish couple, Lee and Lynds, who went on to be the most entertaining people K and N had ever met. As N was ploughing through the wine, she became more and more absurd in her speech. It turned out that Lee and Lynds had met at the wake of Lynds' late wife (N- "Well, every cloud...") Lee had recently had quit smoking after smoking 60 a day as she was recovering from an accident (N- "Well, I think I would be eating 60 chocolate bars a day if I was in your position") Lee and Lynds had both been married 4 times previously (7pm N- "I never want to get married" 10pm N- "I want to get married four times...I better hurry up and find a husband.") Later that night K and N went to the club which surprisingly did have people in despite the average age of passengers on board being 60+. K and N immediately took to the dance floor and made friends with a few people including Paddy who was "just 18". K watched in alarm as N took steps towards making Paddy husband number one as we all know she likes a younger man (#callumlittler)..


On display throughout the ship were photo shoots that had taken place on board. Every day K and N laughed at them and tried to recreate them in their cabin. The photographer was seemingly always lurking around and giving K and N the eye. He told them they were the 'shiniest people on the ship' and he would love to do a shoot with them. He said he had a vision of them in the sunset. K could see N's eye lighting up with the prospect of this so she hurried N away. Around ten minutes later when K and N were enjoying the evening buffet the photographer is on the prowl again. He spots K and N and rushes over. He starts describing how incredible the shoot would be and before K knows it, N has agreed and set a date for tomorrow. The photographer can hardly contain his excitement as he skips away making notes on potential colours and outfits K and N should wear. As K and N can communicate with 'just one look' (#bridemaids) K looked at N angrily but she just did her billo smile as K plotted how to get out of the shoot...

Notes on... Boyd (Part 2)

Boyd's behaviour is becoming increasingly frustrating. K is on a walk with Boyd in the Clough and before she can let him off the lead he sees a squirrel and runs with full pace and strength over the embankment in his attempt to catch it. K is suddenly whisked off her feet and finds herself in an terrible situation where she is now slipping at full speed down the muddy and extremely steep embankment, not thinking to let go of Boyd's lead in her terror. Realisation hits and K lets Boyd run free as she now lies face down in a muddy ditch at the bottom. K lies here for several seconds before she lifts her head up to see Boyd happily playing with a stick, oblivious to K's rage. K now finds herself unable to climb back up without slipping back down into the mud. This remains the situation for the next 15 minutes in which K becomes increasingly distressed and angry at Boyd. K has a moment of hope when out of no where, she sees a man look over the side. He looks in alarm at K, who is head to toe covered in mud, and then disappears. K's cries. Boyd howls. It is only when she manages to get into the mindset of Bear Grylls that the escape happens. Boyd runs off with glee into the Clough and K wants to run home and abandon him there.

It is becoming apparent that Boyd is obsessed with my mums glasses. The first instance was one day when J came home from work and could not find Boyd. He looks all over the house and no Boyd. J assumes someone has come to take Boyd for a walk. J settles down to have his breakfast until he hears a small barking from the other room. J goes in to find Boyd sat in the dark with my mums glasses on. He takes them off him and thinks nothing else of it. There is another incident where Boyd knocked out K's mum. He ran at her with such force that he took her legs out and she fell to the ground. She then demanded that Boyd returned to dog training. So K and J find a new training class and Boyd is extremely excited to be going. They arrive and everyone has to introduce their dog. Unfortunately the trainer misheard Boyd's name and continued to call him Floyd for the rest of the session. K and J tried numerous times to shout BOYD very loudly but this was in vain. It seemed that Boyd in fact preferred Floyd, as his alter ego emerged and he was the star of the show revelling in his new role as 'Good Boy Floydie'. So K, J and Floyd set off for home and went to tell K's mum what a good boy he had been. Floyd trots in and within a split second the real Boyd was back, with K's mums glasses swiftly in his mouth, hiding under the table refusing to emerge. There was nothing anyone could do but listen to him crunching them up.