Notes on... Fruit Picking

Working at an Orange factory was actually a very high stress situation. Oranges would blast through a conveyor belt at high speed whilst you had to pattern pack them very quickly indeed. If you were too slow, the oranges would roll past you on to the floor. Out of the corner of your eye you could see them edging nearer and nearer the edge and honestly, this was frightening. K made the mistake of thinking that no one really checked the boxes and kept just shoving them in any old way to avoid the disaster of them spilling on to the floor, which from previous experience was highly embarrassing and frowned upon. They do in fact check the boxes and K got in trouble. The boss also instantly took a dislike to K as she didn't know what a sunburnt orange looked like or the different types of citrus diseases, even though there was a poster of them in the staff room. What K didn't mention was that her breaks were spent basically trying to have a full shower in the sink due to profusely sweating herself into a panic for the entire day.

Day five of Oranges and K thought she had improved somewhat. There hadn't been a orange spill disaster for three hours and she was definitely on a roll. There was a local woman opposite K who had worked at the factory for (she assumed) maybe seventy years. She kept randomly screaming obscenities which K found a little strange but ignored. K had improved so much she had now been given TWO conveyor belts to manage. K was of course in a wild state of panic at this and oblivious to surroundings, when she was knocked to the floor. Startled, K looked up to see the old woman barging past her. K tried to brush it off, thinking she hadn't meant to knock in to her and also secretly wondering how an elderly person could have so much strength. Anyway K resumed the work, although shaken. When it happened again around seven minutes later, K stood her ground, she wasn't going to get bullied by a ninety year old. K knocked this woman back. Was K really going to get into a fight with a pensioner? Well no was the answer because K of course got fired the next day.

So here K was again, this time on a zucchini farm and guess who else worked there... N. K had picked zucc's before so she already felt like a pro when she entered the field. The supervisor was a very small man called Wayne. He had a rattish look about him and K and N suspected definite Small Mans Syndrome. He asked whether K had picked before and she said yes. So the day started and K was concerned that her knife was so blunt. K looked at N and the other workers already steaming ahead and decided it would be okay to just pull the fruit off instead of cutting it off. K proceeded to do this until Wayne came over to check her bucket.
W (looks in bucket) This is all shit...shit, shit, shit, shit. (tips bucket out on to floor) I thought you said you have picked before?
K: I have
W: Have you been twisting the fruit off?
K: No
W: I have been doing this for twenty years, I can tell that that is exactly what you have been doing
K: No
W: Have you really picked before
K Yes
W: Well all they taught you is how to twist. If you don't stop this right now, you will be out of here on the bus in five minutes and never coming back
K (fighting tears) Ok

K then cried for a little bit inside and got on with the task. On the break K confided in N what had happened and N was confused as to how the knife could be blunt. Three hours later when K accidentally used the other side of the knife, she realised that perhaps her brain had indeed turned to mush as she had been using the wrong side for six hours and the knife in fact cut like a dream. When the actual farmer pulled up in his tractor and proceeded to follow K down the row, supervising her closely, it dawned on K that she may well be fired for the second time in two weeks. K left the next day to avoid this terrible fate which would mean that K had then been fired from 4 jobs in her life, much to J and N's personal amusement.

Notes on...The Bus

Ever since getting the bus has been blitzed back in to my life, everyday I am in very close contact with the psychos of Prestwich. Mornings on the bus are a bit of a blur but the fun really starts with the journey home.

There was a particular incident when I sat next to a woman on the bus. She was on her mobile and I was just, there. She appeared to be speaking to her boyfriend and they were having a nice little chat until suddenly there seemed to be trouble in paradise. Her tone started getting very angry and then I noticed she had hung up the phone. Her phone started to ring again and she answered very angryly and proceeded to start having a loud arguement. I started to feel slightly awkward but decided to battle through and remain in my seat, invading her privacy. The woman then started crying and asked "Why do you never say anything nice to me?? Please just say something nice." Which was then shortly followed by (screaming) "YOU WISH I'D GET KNOCKED DOWN BY A BUS?!....Well,(pause) I do too." She suddenly jumped up out her seat and got off and bus and I was slightly concerned that any second now I would have a death on my hands but fortunately for me (and her)I saw the bus ride on as she sat at the bus stop and looked very cross.

Another day I got on the bus and there was only one seat available so I sat down and instantly realised my mistake. In the seat next to me was a obese man and he also took up half of my seat. Not wanting to be rude I stayed sitting there even though I was in extreme discomfort as I was basically sitting on the smallest seat in the world. Anyway the bus is tooting along and then a person who I can only assume to be his wife, is asking him if he wants a cup of tea. I am thinking this must just be lively banter between the pair, that obviously there is no way for him to have a cup of tea on the bus, but hold the phone because suddenly Wife is whipping out a flask from her bag. I watch her pour out tea in to a plastic cup. I am quite unsettled as the bus is a very jolty place and I suspected her hands were already shaking. The next thing she is passing the cup of scolding hot liquid past me and it is hovering over my knees and Husband struggles to reach for it. I cant quite believe what is going on and start to feel very scared that in a matter of seconds I may be burnt for life. Luckily Husband manages to get his hands round the cup and the bus journey continues but I am left very angry by the whole situation.

On a positive note there is a small child called Theo who gets on the bus and sings The Bus On The Bus Go Round And Round at the top of his voice for the whole trip.

Notes on... Wagging it.

2005.

It was a snowy day. We had arrived at school to find that hardly any of the school was actually there, and to be honest we felt outraged we had been stupid enough to go in. In registration, the form tutor specially told us that everyone HAD to remain in school, and anyone who went home would have to risk facing the consequences.

So, deciding to rebel, the bell went and K, Soph and Kath met in the corridor and snuck out the back door. In the comotion of the lesson change we decided the best bet would be to literally sprint out of the back of the school, hoping noone would notice three girls running for their lives through the crowd.

This is where the real problems began. We crossed the motorway bridge laughing and cheering as if we were heros, only to see a man filming the motorway traffic. We were then alarmed to see him start filming us, and decided the best idea would be to start to bantering with him. In our complete naivety we told him "Not to film us, because we were wagging it."(why?). We saw the bus in the distance and had to sprint for the second time in the day, unaware that once again we were being filmed. Once on the bus, K decided the back shelf would be the perfect place to store her beloved Harry Potter umbrella. Second mistake of the day.

We decided it would be amazing fun to go to the park and play in the snow, but this turned in to a disaster when it started hailing and suddenly became a risk to our lives to remain outside any longer. We decided to go home after all. We then spotted the bus going back up to school, the Harry umbrella still sitting there, forgotten, on the back shelf for everyone to see. That was the last time I saw the umbrella.

Later that night, I was causally watching the news. There was lots of news about how much drama the snow had caused and a montage of some nice snow related clips. Out of nowhere, I saw us on the television. There we were, running through the snow. I was basically gobsmacked that this was actually happening and then chaos erupted.

To cut a long story short, I initially lied to my dad saying it must have been filmed after school, but then when he found out it was also on the lunchtime news I got in quite a lot of trouble. Kaths mum however, waited until the ten o'clock news to record it so we had the memory forever. Going in to school the next day was interesting, some teachers thought it was quite funny whereas when we got called in to see the headteacher he told us "we were a disgrace and we had brought shame to the school" and also "we had made a mockery of ourselves".
The spiteful man who filmed it, I want to thank you as it was probably the highlight of my life.

Later in the year the same montage of snow clips was also used on TopGear which brought the whole incident up all over again. And it was just as funny second time round.

You would of thought we would have learnt our lesson. But alas, no. There came a day when we did not attend PE, instead we hid in the library. When our form tutor, who also happened to be the PE teacher, noticed we were not there, he came looking for us. Finding us in the library he basically screamed in our faces, asking us if we thought he was stupid, as if we wouldnt notice? The answer to the question is yes, we really did think he was that thick. Once again it was K and N who got in the most trouble and got our senior prefect badges removed and the line 'disgrace to the school' was thrown out there yet again.

Although it seems unbelievable to suggest that the only time we actually wagged school, it was on the news, this is the story of my life.

(the evidence)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qrz5ZFwuh28

1.10.

Notes on... Australia (Part One)

When we set off for Oz, K and N were young, fresh faced and innocent (lies?). We had initially booked the flight for the day of our English A Level (by mistake). This goes some way to highlight how unprepared we really were. So after some mass panic, a flight rearrangement,and a nice £100 fee for the pleasure, we set off on the train. Yes, that's right the train, in the confusion we had agreed to fly from London, just adding an extra 4 hours or so on to the journey of around 24 hours for an absolute laugh. K was initially alarmed at Ns lack of make up for the journey and was not yet aware of how many times N would wash her face during the flight, or in fact how many times she would take time out of the day to stop everything- and moisturise, claiming her skin "just needed it".

Before the trip we had made a pact not to drink as we felt it was 'dangerous'. It is interesting that we broke this almost immediately by cracking open a cider at the airport. Things took a turn for the worse (better) right here as we proceeded to drink on the plane. Flying with Japan Air Lines airlines was an additional highlight. From the off set we affectionately referred to it as JAL. We were repeatedly asked "You twin?" or "You sister?" when in fact ginger K and blonde N could not look more different.
We had a slight moment of concern when asking for vodka on the plane.
N "Can I have a vodka and coke please?"
Air Hostess "I sorry?"
N "Vodka and coke?"
AH "Er...I sorry"
N "Vodka. And. Coke."
AH "Er.."
N "Erm...(moment of genius) Wodka?"
AH "Ahh yes! Wodka!" (pours a triple vodka).
N is thrilled.
K is alarmed.

The rest of the flight consisted of N snoozing contently, only waking up for meals and a hot towel, and K being awake for the whole entire journey and having to watch every single film available, later resorting to watching a Japanese war film, without sub titles.

When arriving in Oz, K was experiencing a massive hearing loss and N was in a very bad mood. We had arrived about five hours too early for check in so we were chilling it out in the lounge area. N cheered up for about five minutes by taking the lenses out of her red love heart sunglasses and was pretending they were in fact her reading glasses, much to her own amusement. The mood quickly turned sour when N opened her case and realised the worst thing possible had happened. A shampoo explosion. N proceeded to cry and shout as she threw her clothes across the room. Ks lack of hearing meant she was basically witnessing this whole episode as if N was on mute. N was particularly distraught at her beloved maxi dress being very soapy, and N began speculating wildly that when it rained her trainers would produce soap suds and she would be a laughing stock. K remained quiet, largely because she could not hear N, and also because she knew they were already an item of comedy as they had matching back packs and a stranger had already pointed and laughed at them. K was secretly wondering when N would shut up until, like a miracle, N found her banana chips and silence resumed.

Notes on... The Aquatic Centre

To continue in the lifelong quest to be a mermaid, in 3rd year K decided to get a swim pass for the Aquatic. During 2nd year when KLN lived together, K and N used to walk the absolute mission to the pool, get there swim two lengths then go home. On the one occasion L graced us with his presence, K and L had a swim race (K won)then L decided the chlorine was giving him spots and announced he was never going swimming again.

Living somewhat closer in 3rd year it was only a little ten minute walk through the wonder of Hulme to the pool. K became almost obsessed with swimming for a while and was constantly attempting to be in the pool. It was a cruel winter and it became also impossible to go outside for a time as the outer world was basically an ice rink. In a mission impossible to the pool, K was within touching distance of the Aquatic when disaster struck. In a moment of horror, K slipped, then proceeded to skid along the ice, trying to grab on to absolutely anything to end the nightmare. In a sheer moment of desperation, (before the inevitable happened), K happened to grab on to a passer by. This unfortunately turned out to be an elderly woman who was absolutely startled by this act, and nearly plunged toward the ice herself. Meanwhile K was face down on the ice, completely stationary due to pain/ embarrassment (mainly embarrassment). K could already hear laughter and as she decided it was about time to get up, she noticed a small crowd of boys laughing, as well as the additional horror of the old lady attempting to help K up. From this moment on, K decided swimming was only an option if sunny.

K and N had some eventful times in the pool. K and N devised a system where they would "swim and chat" in which they discussed life issues/bantered back and forth on the various people in the pool, giving them hilarious nicknames etc. We were very aware that the majority of the staff there disliked us, as initially we annoyed them by persistently paying by card for the £1.90 swim fee, which basically caused the whole system to crash every time. The life guards I suspect thought we were pathetic as we often attempted to swim in the fast lane, then retreating moments later to the slow lane. The only life guard who liked us was the lesbian one. We had debated over whether it was a male or female initially, coming to the conclusion it was most likely female. So on the only occasion which K and N decided to use the jacuzzi, we got out of the pool in a somewhat Baywatch fashion only to be stared at by her/(him?). We were blitzing in the jacuzzi when K spotted a celebrity also present in there. K tried to secretly motion to N. N smiles and nods. The person in question was none other than Hayley from Coronation Street, an exciting spot I think you'll agree.
Later on in the changing rooms-
K- Can you believe we saw Hayley in the jacuzzi!
N- Who is Hayley?
K- From Coronation Street...she was in the jacuzzi? I tried to tell you with my eyes.
N- I thought you were just smiling at me.
K- Oh.

Notes on... The Met

The met can provide ups and downs. I often experience moments of mass panic on the met. When the inspectors get on, I always get slightly worried I may have misplaced my ticket. I have to try and get it as fast as possible because I hate when the inspectors wait and are secretly suspecting you have not got a ticket. However by far the worst feeling is when you have arrived on the platform and are leisurely in the process of getting a ticket and suddently you hear the met approaching...and then you begin to urgently press the fucking touch screen buttons and they click on the wrong destination and then its here! You are acutely aware of everyone on the met looking at you wondering if you'll make it. Then you still have to wait as the machine takes its sweet time printing the ticket and then the debate over whether to run to get the met...you go for it...it leaves. People laugh/pity you from the warmth and light of the met and you just know its going to be a dark, dark day.

K and N have also witnessed quite a horrific incident on the met. We were initially alarmed when we saw a man get trapped not once, but twice, in the met doors. We laughed, because I dont know how anyone wouldnt. He sat on the set of seats next to us, then out of nowhere, he started having a fit. Alarmed and scared, we did not come to his rescue. We sat there while the met was in silence, everyone looking at him. Finally after about three hours someone, a braver person than I,(who was probs medically trained) helped him. We wanted to stay on the met to see how the drama unfolded but unfortunately we had reached our destination. We got off and never found out what happened, although sometimes we affectionately refer to him as "fit man" although he was by no means an attractive person.

Other incidents on the met include observing three met inspectors who were stood by the door. One of them (the ring leader) had his collar up on his Metrolink high vis coat in an attempt to perhaps be a sort of Cantona type character. One of them was ginger and one was non discript. Erics phone started to ring and Same Jeans by The View was blitzing out. This alerted my attention because I knew any sane human would have been sick of this song and also because it was so loud. Ginger doing a mini dance to the tune in which, I suspect, was an attempt to try and impress me.
Ginger: Whats this song?
Eric: Same Jeans by The View
Ginger: (typing in phone)... Blue Jeans...okay
Eric: Errr yeah. Blue Jeans.

I liked Eric a whole lot more after this.

Notes on... St. Marys Park

98% of the time when I visit the park I look ridiculous. It is on my job list left by Mut that every day I have to walk the dog in the morning, but due to the absolute love for sleep I never get up and always have to dash to the park urgently with G. The majority of the time I slip on Dads fleece, or maybe just roll up my pyjama bottoms and put on some wellies, hoping that in the 3 minute walk to the park I will not see any one I know or recognise.

There is a boy I see in the park every day, possibley because he works there as some sort of Park Ranger. I have a small suspicion he went to my primary school too because he always goes out of his way to smile at me. I am always quite unnerved by this, speculating in the head he may be the next park killer but in reality it is possible he is just alarmed at how hell I really am or maybe just G being naughty.

G's behaviour makes it increasingly annoying to take him for a walk. He pretends he cant hear when you shout him name and embarasses you by ignoring you for such long periods of time you have to approach him to try and put his lead on but then runs off as soon as you get there. Sometimes he also joins other people and I can see him trotting off nearly out of the park as if he is part of their family.

There is also an old man who I see quite regularly in the park and for some reason I know his name is David. We have the exact same conversation every time I see him, and it really does amaze me he STILL does not realise. The conversation goes like this:

David: Ohh, your dog looks old. Is he getting old now?
Kate: Yes
David: Ohh yes. How old is he now?
Kate: About 14 I think.
David: Ohhh! Thats nothing. My Mary is 19 now.
Kate: Wow, really (looks at Mary, who is basically dead)
David: Yeah. They grow old because we treat them right, dont we?
Kate: Yes.